mom: hey *dad’s name* oh whoops i mean *brother’s name* oh no *sister’s name* i mean *name of the family goldfish* ah shoot i meant *your name* can you get down here really quick i need something
my dad has literally called me by his own name.
my mother has called me our cats name who has been dead for five years
I never act excited when someone who I really wanted to follow me follows me because it’s a sign of weakness
(Source: puertoricantwink, via yourslipsandslurs)
more tattoo artists need to just say “nah dude, i’m not doing that”
(Source: hatergrl, via yourslipsandslurs)
Damn, this girl was prepared.
Damn, I can’t even put the kids to bed on time
The best super power ever has to be the power to refill things. Think about it, your glass is empty, refill it without getting up. Your bank account empty, power to refill it. Your bed is empty of a person of your preferred gender, refill it and have some fun.
At first I was all:
Well that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.
But then I was all like:
GENIUS! PURE UNADULTERATED GENIUS!
person annoying you?
refill their bladder
when am I going to realize that no matter how many times I scream “no” at my tv the story line isn’t going to change.
SCARY MOVIES SET IN HOUSES ARE THE WORST
I LIVE IN A HOUSE
Student: I sprained my finger and can't play gym.
Student: I have an anxiety disorder and can't do my speech in front of the class.
Teacher: Everybody gets nervous. Get up there.